Most people have at least one or two scars. I have several. I have a few on my hands from horsing around. I have one on my left forearm I got in a fight when I was a kid. I have 3 part scar on my stomach from an appendectomy. I think stretch marks count as scars and boy did my kids give me plenty of those! I have four on my right ankle/leg. One I got when I was a little girl, the other 3 are the result of surgeries to repair a broken leg/ankle. I have scars on both my shoulders and one on my right arm. All of my scars have a story.
But I also have scars that you can't see from the outside. Places where things have been broken and have healed. I've been seeing something go around Facebook the last couple of days about "invisible illnesses." This is really about invisible scars.
For most of my life I have struggled with an invisible illness and it has left many scars on me and those around me. When I was a teenager I was diagnosed with depression. When I was 18 I was given an official diagnosis of dysthymic disorder (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001916/) and major depression. I went to therapy for a little while, took anti-depressants, and none of it really helped (funny, since I now want to be a therapist). When I was 19 I attempted suicide and spent several days in a mental hospital. There's a fairly large scar there and I can honestly say I don't remember a whole lot of what went on. I can recall one incident from the ER when they were going to put a tube into my stomach to get the charcoal in and they were talking about restraining me and my mom said no, that I would hold still and I was strong enough to do that. I had never felt so weak and my mom was saying that I was strong enough, that I was stronger than this. I have never forgotten that. Even now when I feel overwhelmed I remember that even at my weakest, I was strong enough.
The funny thing about this scar is that in the long run is has done a lot more good than harm. It was an ugly, terrible, awful thing. I hurt a lot of people, and I hurt myself. But it has given me a passion. I am driven to help people who feel as helpless, hopeless, lost, hurt, angry, confused as I was then. I have never once since woken up and felt that the world would be a better place without me in it. I used to wake up every day and wish I hadn't. I appreciate my blessings more. I am kinder. I have more compassion for people who are hurting. It was a true blessing in disguise.
I will never be entirely free from depression. I may not struggle day to day anymore, but I was told that I will likely suffer at least one more major episode during my lifetime. Maybe I won't, but I could. The day to day depression is gone, although I do occasionally still feel a little blue, particularly when I am overly stressed. But I have learned to listen to myself better, to know my limits and what I can and cannot do and to respect that.
And why have I written about this? Because depression is an invisible illness. Because the person sitting next to you might be depressed, or the guy who made your coffee. You don't know. But like any other illness it can kill you if it isn't treated, and so few people get the treatment they need. Societal stigma, lack of resources, fear, shame. I always avoided talking about my depression because I was afraid of being judged, because I was ashamed. I am not anymore and while I don't intend to take out a billboard next to the freeway about it, neither will I hide it away. It is simply one of many scars and it has a story like all the others. The real takeaway from this is, for me anyway, be kind. You don't know what people are going through. So spend a little more effort and be kind to those around you. Even when you don't want to, you never know when you might make a difference.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Big Weekend
This is a big weekend for us. My son, Teddy, is six months old today! It has really flown by. I feel like it was just yesterday he was a bitty baby just home from the hospital. Brian had his first full week of Pre-K and his first bug from school. Tomorrow is my husband James and I's first wedding anniversary.
Teddy celebrated his birthday by getting shots, which was not his favorite activity, but he is doing great. He is meeting or exceeding all of his milestones and has doubled his weight and grown 4 3/4".
Brian still doesn't tell us what's going on at school but thankfully his teacher includes a "what we did this week" notice every Friday. They worked on writing their names this week and Brian is doing really well. They also worked on science and had chapel and music. I'm sure Brian enjoyed all of it. He really loves to go.
James and I are celebrating by having a kid-free night. We're going out to dinner, and then I have no idea what we'll do. Something fun, I'm sure.
All-in-all this year has been very full. New baby, lots more responsibility for me at school, and the on-going issues with James's job. It will be nice to relax tonight and really take some time to be grateful for all the blessings and gifts that this year has brought us.
Have a great weekend everyone!!
Teddy celebrated his birthday by getting shots, which was not his favorite activity, but he is doing great. He is meeting or exceeding all of his milestones and has doubled his weight and grown 4 3/4".
Brian still doesn't tell us what's going on at school but thankfully his teacher includes a "what we did this week" notice every Friday. They worked on writing their names this week and Brian is doing really well. They also worked on science and had chapel and music. I'm sure Brian enjoyed all of it. He really loves to go.
James and I are celebrating by having a kid-free night. We're going out to dinner, and then I have no idea what we'll do. Something fun, I'm sure.
All-in-all this year has been very full. New baby, lots more responsibility for me at school, and the on-going issues with James's job. It will be nice to relax tonight and really take some time to be grateful for all the blessings and gifts that this year has brought us.
Have a great weekend everyone!!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Remembering 9/11/01
Everyone who was alive 10 years ago remembers where they were today. Many of us will spend the day in reflection about where we were, who we were with, what we remember.
I remember 9/11 as one of the most difficult days I've ever lived through. I was home when the towers were hit, and home when they fell. My ankle was broken and I didn't feel like going to school. I remember getting up and seeing the news on TV. I remember asking my mother what was happening and she said we didn't know. I watched as the second plane flew into the tower, I watched as people jumped from the windows and smoke poured into the sky, I watched as the towers collapsed. I watched them re-run the footage over and over. I remember Peter Jennings, tired, disheveled, weary, and just as confused as the rest of us, but remaining calm, remaining reassuring, even as we began to make sense of what had happened. I miss him.
I will always remember that day. My heart broke to see people jump. I have never been so afraid of what tomorrow would bring.
Ten years later we live in a world I don't think many of us could have imagined. In some ways I think this is a world we would not have wanted to imagine. We live in a world of terror threats, terrorist actions, extreme fear. There is great unrest in many places and we remain at war. We live in uncertain times.
However, I remain convinced that in spite of all the unrest, all the uncertainty, some things do remain constant. Love is constant, hope is constant. We may not know what tomorrow brings, but we can hang on to love and hope.
For me I choose love. Not hate. I choose hope. Not fear. I have no control over what tomorrow, or even today, will bring. But I have control over how I will approach it. I have control over what I will do. I have control over my reactions.
I will remember this day with sadness for the rest of my life. So many were lost on this day. So many have been lost since then keeping this country safe. We may lose many more in the future. But I hope that it will not be in vain. I hope that one day we can build a world at peace. I hope that one day we may honor those we have lost by creating a world where no one is lost in such a needless way.
Remember 9/11. Remember those who were lost. Build a future they can be proud of.
I remember 9/11 as one of the most difficult days I've ever lived through. I was home when the towers were hit, and home when they fell. My ankle was broken and I didn't feel like going to school. I remember getting up and seeing the news on TV. I remember asking my mother what was happening and she said we didn't know. I watched as the second plane flew into the tower, I watched as people jumped from the windows and smoke poured into the sky, I watched as the towers collapsed. I watched them re-run the footage over and over. I remember Peter Jennings, tired, disheveled, weary, and just as confused as the rest of us, but remaining calm, remaining reassuring, even as we began to make sense of what had happened. I miss him.
I will always remember that day. My heart broke to see people jump. I have never been so afraid of what tomorrow would bring.
Ten years later we live in a world I don't think many of us could have imagined. In some ways I think this is a world we would not have wanted to imagine. We live in a world of terror threats, terrorist actions, extreme fear. There is great unrest in many places and we remain at war. We live in uncertain times.
However, I remain convinced that in spite of all the unrest, all the uncertainty, some things do remain constant. Love is constant, hope is constant. We may not know what tomorrow brings, but we can hang on to love and hope.
For me I choose love. Not hate. I choose hope. Not fear. I have no control over what tomorrow, or even today, will bring. But I have control over how I will approach it. I have control over what I will do. I have control over my reactions.
I will remember this day with sadness for the rest of my life. So many were lost on this day. So many have been lost since then keeping this country safe. We may lose many more in the future. But I hope that it will not be in vain. I hope that one day we can build a world at peace. I hope that one day we may honor those we have lost by creating a world where no one is lost in such a needless way.
Remember 9/11. Remember those who were lost. Build a future they can be proud of.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Time flies
It's been a busy week for us. We all had Labor Day off and we spent the day doing things together as a family. Tuesday was fairly quiet, but Wednesday was Brian's first day of pre-K.
I think it went well. He didn't cry, didn't cling, didn't fuss. In fact, he acted like he's been going to preschool or daycare his whole life (he's never gone). His teacher had to make him come back out and say good-bye to me. Watching him walk into his classroom and begin this whole new phase of his life was bittersweet for me. On the one hand, I am so proud of him and how confident and open and friendly he is. And on the other I wish that he weren't growing up quite so fast. I've tried to raise him to be self-sufficient in a lot of ways, and he is. And really that's a good thing. But sometimes, just sometimes, I just wish he needed me a little more than he does.
His second day of school was today and went just as well as his first day. And it was a little easier on me. He wanted to stay longer when it was time to leave, but I am glad he is enjoying it so much. He is growing up so fast and while part of me wishes he could stay a little boy forever, most of me is just excited to see who he's growing up to be!
I think it went well. He didn't cry, didn't cling, didn't fuss. In fact, he acted like he's been going to preschool or daycare his whole life (he's never gone). His teacher had to make him come back out and say good-bye to me. Watching him walk into his classroom and begin this whole new phase of his life was bittersweet for me. On the one hand, I am so proud of him and how confident and open and friendly he is. And on the other I wish that he weren't growing up quite so fast. I've tried to raise him to be self-sufficient in a lot of ways, and he is. And really that's a good thing. But sometimes, just sometimes, I just wish he needed me a little more than he does.
His second day of school was today and went just as well as his first day. And it was a little easier on me. He wanted to stay longer when it was time to leave, but I am glad he is enjoying it so much. He is growing up so fast and while part of me wishes he could stay a little boy forever, most of me is just excited to see who he's growing up to be!
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