The Thunder Rolls...

And the lightning strikes..oh wait, that's a Garth Brooks song. Never mind.  Anyway,

We have had a couple of days of thunder and lightning with a touch of rain mixed in for good measure. We have a storm rolling over now, although it remains to be seen if it will do more than growl at us. Last night my husband and I sat outside for almost an hour just watching the various storms around the city and enjoying the weather.

When we got home the air was perfectly still. The city was surrounded on all sides by different storms and farther away we could see still more storms. And yet where we were was so still and quiet. Not far from us the weather was raging, lightning every few seconds, and no doubt rain and wind, but where we were not a leaf was stirring.
And then came a light breeze. Every so often just a breath of air, enough to slightly rustle the leaves on the trees but no more. And still the lightning in the distance.
Then the breeze became stronger and constant. Still not much more than just a breath of air. And it became just a little stronger as we kept watching and just a little cooler.
And then suddenly it got gusty. Still one second followed by a blast of cold air from the storm as it breathed out. I can imagine on the other side people were experiencing something similar as it took in warm air and breathed out cold air on us. And then the wind was constant, cold, and strong. Still no rain, no thunder. Just this cold, cold wind and lightning everywhere.
A truly awesome display of nature. I could have done without the encore presentation in the middle of the night while I was sleeping though.

The Pursuit of Happiness

I think at one point we took the Declaration of Independence seriously. We believed that ALL men were created equal. That ALL men were deserving of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. But I think at some point we decided that well, maybe not all of us were equal. Maybe some of us were less deserving. So now it's some of us are deserving and some of us well...
To be fair, I think most people would say that in terms of race and gender we're starting to think we might all be equal. Of course, if your race happens to be Mexican or you happen to come from an Islamic country..maybe not. But hey, at least we don't hate Black people anymore. Most of us. And you know, women have come a long way. Now we get to do all the cooking, cleaning, raising of children AND hold a full time job. (Some of us are lucky enough to have spouses who help.)
OK so I really think equality is still a nice idea. I don't see a lot of it floating around in actuality though. The rich are still rich, the poor are still poor. And hey...guess who's running the government? The rich. And guess who they're interested in helping? The rich.
I am not saying that the rich should give up all their money and live in rags or be punished in some way for being rich. But I am also not saying that the poor should suffer needlessly because they are poor. The honest truth is that no matter what we do there will always be those who have less than others. There will always be the wealthy. There will always be the poor. There will sometimes be a middle class.
Our DoI says that we are entitled, by our Creator, with certain inalienable (that means they can't be taken away from us) rights. The right to life. The right to liberty. The right to pursue happiness. Let's start with the first.
The poor live shorter lives. They work harder, they have more stress. I know some people would disagree and say that if you're poor it's because you're too lazy, you aren't working hard enough, blah blah blah. I'm not arguing that right now, but for the record I think it's a load of crap. Anyway, all the studies show that over the last 20 years or so the life expectancy between those people of lower and higher incomes has increased with people of lower income living shorter lives.
There are many reasons for this. Stress is one of them, poor access to healthy and quality food, and the biggie, less access to affordable, competent medical care. Most poor people are too poor to see a doctor if they don't feel well, and often conditions like cancer or heart disease go untreated simply because the person doesn't have access to preventative care. And so they die younger than someone who can go in for a check up when they need to.
Now, I may be alone in this, but this seems an infringement on one of our inalienable rights. If we are all equal, in the eyes of our government and in the eyes of God (I believe the latter statement more than the former), then we are all entitled to equal care of that life. Meaning, if we get sick or hurt, we have a right to be treated competently and well until we are better. It is a protection of the life that we are entitled to.
On to liberty. Liberty is a tricky thing. It is defined as follows:
lib·er·ty/ˈlibərtē/Noun

1. The state of being free within society from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one's way of life.

I think the key word here is "oppressive" restrictions. Like it or not, there are restrictions on freedom. I hear a lot of: "It's a free country, I can do what I want." Well, no. Not actually. Nothing in this country is free. Except air, and just wait, I bet they figure out how to charge for that eventually. We have laws governing everything from how fast we can drive to interactions with the people around us. We have to pay taxes. (Yes, we do. Taxation is necessary. See above statement about things that are free.) We have to follow the laws. If we don't, there are consequences. So we may be free to say what we like, think what we like, believe what we like, wear what we like, read what we like, buy what we like, go where we like (mostly), but all that freedom comes with a pretty hefty price. Responsibility.
You must use your liberty responsibly. Participate in your government at a local, state and federal level. I hate nothing more than people who bitch about the state of things and then say they don't vote. Your vote is your voice. And while I agree that some very significant changes must happen in our government, that doesn't change your responsibility. Vote. Follow the rules, even the ones you think are stupid. Don't infringe on someones rights just because you don't like what they believe. They have the same liberties you do no matter who they are or where they're from. We throw liberty around like it's an easy thing, an easy word, or a free pass. It is none of those things. Respect it. Be responsible with it. Cherish it. Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to speak their mind.

You need life. I'm not saying an easy life devoid of hardship, but life. And a life free from worrying about how you'll protect that life from things like disease, illness, and injury.
You need liberty. You need to be able to explore and have opportunities to learn and grow and develop. You still have to follow the rules, but those rules should not prevent you from living your life.

And finally, the pursuit. All of us, as equal individuals, should have the right to pursue what makes us happy. If that means that we want to work hard in school and get an education then all of us, from the wealthiest to the poorest, should have the right to that education. (The actual earning of knowledge should not be easy. Easy knowledge is cheap knowledge and by definition, worth little.) If you want to spend your life working hard with your hands building and creating, then go for it. You like painting? Find a way to make that work for you. Just be prepared for a lot of hardship no matter what you choose. Nobody ever promised that life would be an easy thing, and I'm not saying it should be. We value that which we work hard for, we do not value what is free.

What I am saying is that the opportunities in life should be available equally to everyone, the care of that life should be available equally to everyone,  and everyone should be prepared to care responsibly for their burden of liberty.

 

Letting go

I have to confess something. I hold grudges. Not over small things like the jerk who cuts you off in traffic, but if you truly hurt me or do something to really tick me off...well, chances are I'm still going to be mad about it in a few months. Or maybe years later. You never know and it could well depend on the severity of the offense. I may never get over it.
As an example, a few years ago my sister-in-law said something to me and I have never forgiven her for it. I can be polite and civil to her, but I don't like her. I spend as little time as possible with her. I dislike her very intensely.
There are other examples but this one has been weighing on me. When my husband and I first started dating I resolved to like his family. When his sister and I were both pregnant I thought we'd be friends. Maybe not best buddies, but at least friends. And now I have no interest in doing any such thing. If I never had to see her that would suit me fine. I don't mind Brian going and developing a relationship with his aunt. Family is, after all, very important. But I don't want anything to do with her.
On the flip side of this is my belief that we should forgive each other. Holding on to anger is a bad thing. It's not healthy (you can look up the studies), it serves no useful purpose, and generally is just a big waste of energy. And most times I can forgive people, and depending on the person I can forgive just about anything. I don't think I'd be married were that not the case. Love is a big factor there, and maybe I didn't have enough time to get to know my sister-in-law well enough to love her enough to really forgive her. I don't really know.
I do know that if some disaster happened and she desperately needed my help then I would give it. I might grumble, but I would help her as much as I could in whatever way I could. But I will never forget what she said to me.
For the record, I have gotten better about letting go of offenses from those nearest and dearest to me. But I'm sure that forgiving someone else has a lot more to do with this unconditional love thing. I'm not so good at that for everyone else yet. Like just about everyone else I have a problem with being a little self-centered. It's hard to put myself in other people's shoes. I want everyone to understand me and my problems and forgive me for my screw ups, but I have a harder time doing that for them. So my project for the foreseeable future, unconditional love. Even for the people I don't like. So that I can start forgiving them.

All the infinite wonders of the universe....

Maybe I'm alone in this, but I really doubt it. I find the way the universe works fascinating. The complexity and harmony is astonishing. Things come into being, they pass away. I don't always understand this process. For instance, quantum mechanics or string theory or physics of almost any kind tend to baffle me. The only person who was sufficiently able to explain black holes to me was Neil DeGrasse Tyson. (You can google him if you don't know who he is.)
But still, the universe fascinates me.
For starters, just here in our own solar system and our own planet we have a phenomenon that I just love. When I was young I always thought that the reason our little planet was safe from the Sun was because of how far away it is. Which is part of it. However, our planet also has an intrinsic magnetic field, which helps deflect solar radiation. It looks something like this:

We should all be grateful for this because it really is what allows life to exist on Earth (besides the atmosphere). The interaction of the magnetosphere and the solar wind is also what gives us the beautiful aurora borealis and the aurora australis (northern and southern lights, respectively). I think that's pretty remarkable.
Also, the next time you happen to be out and about in someplace quite dark, look up. Really look at the skies. See the stars, and planets, and galaxies. What you're seeing is time. The light from our Sun takes 8 minutes to get to us. Some of the lights we see in the sky may no longer exist, it took their light thousands, if not millions, of years to reach our little planet. Some of those stars may have burned out, exploded, turned into black holes...who knows. Astrophysicists might, but I don't. See previous statement on physics. It gives me an odd feeling of reassurance to look up into the sky and see all those celestial bodies. Looking at them is a moment of connection to a vast universe of which I am a small part.
The very last thing that fascinates me (at least for now) is a little closer to home. Life, itself.
I was not always sure I believed there was a God. And when I did I was never sure what I believed about God. (To be honest, some days I'm still not sure. It's an ongoing process.) What changed that, beyond stars, galaxies, magnetosphere, and the infinite wonder and complexity of the universe was something a little simpler. Having a child.
Think about it. For a child to come into the world, hundreds of things have to go exactly right. The right egg and the right sperm have to meet up in the right place. They then have to start splitting and creating new cells, all of which eventually make up the different parts of the body. They have to reach the uterus and implant successfully. They have to continue to develop properly. (Sometimes they don't, but that's one of those things I don't understand.) This process continues and in 5 short weeks you have something that is starting to resemble something alive. In 8 weeks you can see a heartbeat and movement. At 12 weeks the baby begins to look like a human being. And in a very short (although not to a woman who is pregnant) 9 months, you have a person. And this is all very simplified. I'm not writing a text book. Of course, for all this to be successful, labor must be successful. And that is another process where so many things can go terribly wrong. But they rarely do. So in 9 months you go from two separate entities combining to form something smaller than a period (.) to a living, breathing, human (or cheetah, or whatever. Life is pretty miraculous no matter which species you are.)
Every single moment of gestation is a moment in which something can go horribly wrong, or wonderfully right. And when it goes right, and you are holding this person who came from you and is of you...there are no words. But it is a profound moment when all those stars and all those galaxies and all the planets come down to Earth and are held in your arms. All the potential, all the joy, all the wonder, and all the love in the universe is right there in the room.
And that is why I believe in God. Because I have held the stars, I have beheld the true wonder of the universe. I have known perfect love, if only for that moment. I have held my child, a true miracle if ever there was one. Even if he did destroy my geranium.
So tomorrow I'll forgive him. I can always get another geranium if this one doesn't survive the mauling. But I can never recapture the miracle that is my son.

My Son is Home!

He's actually been home since Sunday afternoon but I've been busy. He was gone for 10 days. So for 10 days my house was quiet. It was just me and Teddy during the day, and in the evenings it was just me, James and Teddy. I got a lot of laundry done. Cleaned house. Cooked some really amazingly delicious food. Did errands, got my school-work done in a timely manner and napped when I felt like it. It was wonderful. And awful.
Brian has spent the night away from me before, he's even gone camping with his Gramma and Papa Andy before and been gone for several days. But this was the longest trip he's ever taken. I didn't see him or talk to him while he was gone. It was too quiet. It was too peaceful. I'm too used to his constant chatter, the sound of him running around outside. Even when he is sleeping the house is a little louder just because he's in it.
So now he's home. And it's back to normal. He's talking all the time, even when you tell him to hush. He is in a state of constant motion. I have a steady stream of status updates, plans, intentions, thoughts, questions and giggles. It's loud. I almost never get to sit down. He doesn't nap, but if I'm lucky I can get him to play quietly in his room for a while so Teddy and I can lay down. I haven't even thought about homework since he got home. It's only been 2 days and I'm already exhausted. But I love every second.
Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder. I am so glad to have my boy home.

So annoyed!

I woke up this morning to an email account I could no longer access. So I tried to reset it by having it send an email to my backup email address. Only to find myself locked out of the backup as well. Luckily I was able to get tech support to help me unlock the secondary email and get access to the reset email from my primary email address. The fallout from this 40 minute project is as follows:

Creating a new email address
Informing all my contacts of my new email address
3 1/2 hours resetting passwords on all of my accounts
Changing my email address on all of my accounts
Severe frustration on my part and a desire to strangle the person responsible

So now I have created a new email account. But I still want to know why someone would bother to hack into my email and change my password. What possible purpose could that serve? How can it be fun to cause someone so much inconvenience and frustration? And perhaps the best question of all...what kind of society do we live in where people think it's OK to treat other people this way?
Hopefully this will be the last of the drama associated with this and the switch will be finalized ASAP! Way to waste my morning though.

Scary movies

Many years ago (or a few, depending on your perspective) I enjoyed scary movies. I don't know why. Looking back I can't see what the appeal was. Maybe they were sillier and easier to laugh off when I was younger?
Honestly I think some of it had to do with the depression I struggled with during my late teens and early 20's. I was in such a dark place that maybe the darkness on the screen was just par for the course. I think my devaluation of my self and everyone else around me, of the whole human experience really, made me sort of indifferent to the very graphic depictions of pain and suffering on the screen.
I can't watch those kinds of movies anymore. Time was something like Final Destination was just a good laugh. Now the idea of watching those pretty young actors be dismembered, maimed, eviscerated, and mutilated just hurts something inside of me.
Don't get me wrong. I still enjoy a good thriller or suspense. But slasher movies and their red-headed step-children, the torture porn, I can't do those anymore. The callous disregard for life and the apparent pleasure some people take in watching them die screaming in horrible pain upsets me in a way that I can't describe.
It disturbs me so much that if I watch one I end up having nightmares for weeks.
So I'm not sure what happened. If maybe the lightening of my inner world made it impossible for me to handle the intentional darkness of a scary movie, or maybe having kids made me see their faces on all those screaming actors. I'm not sure, but I don't think I'll miss them. Life is too beautiful and amazing to spend it intentionally looking for the darkness.