The reason for the season....

I have been struggling with Christmas this year. Normally this is one of my favorite times of year. I love the lights, the music, the fun with family. I have really come to love playing Santa and looking for and finding the perfect gift for Brian. It's a wonderful time of year.
But this year...I'm not feeling it. The music is not bringing me joy, the season is not filling me with hope, and mostly I feel worried and stressed. And I would venture to say that 99.999% of it is my own fault. Here's why.
I can't be content with what we have. Most of the year I can deal with the fact that my husband and I are poor. We may have middle-class aspirations, ideals, and values...but let's face facts. We are poor. Paying bills every month is a balancing act...do we pay this one or that one? How long can we let this one go before it has to get paid? Throw necessities like paper towels or toilet paper, shampoo, etc. into the mix and it starts to get really interesting. Start adding in needed clothing and well...let's just say buying socks fills me with dread because I worry about all the other things we have to buy, too.
And now..Christmas. The time of presents. My oldest son is old enough to know all about Christmas and presents. And we have gotten him a few things. Nothing big or elaborate, but probably more than he needs anyway. But my husband and I are going on our 4th year of not buying each other gifts. And I don't think we'll be getting our newest little guy presents this year. There's just not room in the budget. And it hurts me to see all my friends and family talking about their Christmas shopping and their budgets and all the things they're going to be getting and buying and doing and hoping for. And I feel so woefully inadequate. What kind of parents are we that we can't buy our children and each other even simple gifts?
I know the platitudes. I know that gifts are not the reason for the season. I know that what we're celebrating is not financial security but the birth of Jesus Christ who came to save us from a lot more than an overdrawn bank account. It still hurts.
I am trying to remind myself that I am giving my children things that do matter. A home, electricity, running water, food, love. And by world standards my family is wealthy because we have all those things and more. And we have a wonderful family that cares for us and I know that my children will not want for anything this Christmas. But I wish I could do more for them. I wish I could give them everything, even though I know that what I am giving them is far more valuable.
I am giving them a marriage that is loving and stable. I am giving them a father who works hard and loves them. I am giving them a mother who is working so hard to finish school and provide an example of what determination and perseverance and education can get you. A mother who loves them. I am giving them healthy meals (most days of the week) and memories of baking and cleaning and playing.
I am giving them so much. But I worry that it won't be valued. That it will be disappointing. That it won't be enough.
We had an interesting sermon this Sunday about blessings. Most of us think of blessings as material things, or stuff that makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I know I tend to think of blessings that way. But here's what I've been thinking all week. God has blessed my family with poverty. We have enough. We do not have an overabundance, but we have enough...barely. Some months I swear we make it with not an inch of breathing room, but we do make it. And yet we still desire to give. We want to help those who are hurting, who have less, who are in far more need than us. Our poverty has given us compassion, empathy, kindness, generosity. We value our things less and each other more. God has blessed us. And when I think of it that way it makes not being able to have a big Christmas a little easier. God has blessed us. We are poor, but I do not believe we will always be so, although I have no aspirations for great wealth. I think we will always have what is sufficient, what is needed. And we will always have a greater strength of faith and generosity and compassion and hope because God blessed us with poverty.
I hope that God blesses you in ways that you do not expect, in ways that bring you closer to Him this Christmas season.
Merry Christmas!