Self care and the weirdness of life

For Lent I gave up social media as a constant, daily part of my life. My rule is no more than 30 minutes a day and only after the kids are in bed. So far so good. I actually think this has been an amazing choice for my mental health. I'm less angry, stressed, and I have some distance from a lot of stuff that I was carrying that I really don't need to.
But...I'm also less connected because social media has been my main source of connection for years. Hello introvert. So the flip side of all this has been pushing myself to reach out and connect in meaningful ways with people I care about. This is not easy for me. It has recently become really important to me to show people that I care about, that I do care. See my recent post about church and the difficulties there to see why this matters.
The thing is, I have a tendency in person to just sort of jabber away and I don't know how much connecting I really do because it is hard to be with people. I don't know when to talk or when to shut up. I talk a lot to cover this awkwardness and then I feel weird so I sit quiet and then I don't know what to do. Just know if you're with me and I talk a lot and then have weird quiet pauses, it's because I don't know what to do with myself.
I also feel like I share too much, and again, hello introvert. I hate shallow interaction and chit chat so I tend to just jump right in to deep and complicated and strange because that's interesting.
I really feel like I'm just kind of weird on a fundamental level. Broken and strange and not put back together with all the pieces maybe.
In all of this though is still a desire to connect and build relationship and community, however awkward and weird. In that, I have found that spending quality one on one time with people is really important because that's where I feel safest. So for all of you who show up for my self care and my strange and keep coming back, thank you. It genuinely means the world to me.
Maybe I will come back to social media someday, but I think maybe not. I think maybe it's more important to talk to you directly about your life and your day and actually give you my attention and not a quick like, or emoji, or some thoughtless response.
I am so utterly tired of shallow, and trite, and easy. I'm tired of talking talking talking and nothing is said, nothing changes, nothing grows. Social media feels stale, and boring, and repetitive.
I had a drink after work this evening with a friend, and all of the above is true. I felt like I talked to much, I felt like I didn't listen enough, but I loved just being there. I loved talking about our lives and what we're doing and why. I wish I was better about extending those invitations and better about showing up for those conversations. I wish more of my life was about strange and weird and broken and imperfect. I'm so glad she showed up for that today. I hope it was as good for her well-being as it was for mine.