What to do?

You know how sometimes people grow apart? It's not anybody's fault, just sometimes people move in different directions in their lives and the relationship grows distant and sometimes just disappears entirely over time. It happens. You might look back and mourn a little for the relationship you used to have but you accept it and move on.

Then, sometimes, you have relationships that end out of necessity because the relationship has become toxic for whatever reason. Maybe you've changed and the other person can't accept it, maybe there are behaviors or attitudes that are dangerous or abusive on one side or another, and so you walk away or they do, and again, maybe you mourn for the relationship you had, but you recognize that sometimes you have to let it go and move on for your own sanity and peace of mind.

Finally, you have relationships that you see something going wrong and you have a choice, walk away or stay and try to fix it. What you choose has a lot to do with how invested in the relationship you were in the first place and how confident you are in you ability to salvage something from it.

And sometimes, this happens not with a person but with a group or organization. In all cases you have to decide what you're going to do and whether the relationship is worth saving or needs to be scrapped.

I bring all this up because I am currently facing this dilemma with my church denomination. I've been a United Methodist my whole life. We have our problems, as do all churches, but on the whole, I think we're a wonderful group of people and our hearts are in the right place. We recently (in the last year) found a new church and have been really happy there.

My husband and I tend to be liberal in our views. Church, for us, should be about drawing the outsider in and giving them a full and equal seat at the table. We believe that all people have something to offer in the body of Christ, regardless of gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, marital status, socioeconomic status, disability, race, criminal background, or any other category you can imagine. We all belong to God and God has a place for all of us, regardless of these things.

God shows us over and over and over (we're an incredibly hard-headed species) that he loves us as a parent. Consider your own children or family that you love. Sometimes they do things that make you so angry, or hurt you terribly, or confuse and upset you, and yet at the end of the day you love them. You forgive the hurt, you let go of the anger, you welcome the transgressor back and make them a sandwich. That is the love that God has for us and the love we are called to share with the world. It's a love that says, "Hey, it's ok. Forget about it. Pull up a chair and tell me how you've been." It's love that says, "I know the world can be a hard and scary place, but in this place, you are welcome, and loved, and accepted, for exactly who you are."

When we exclude others, when we draw lines between us and them, we are acting on our own authority. When we draw others in and we love them without condition or reserve, that is God's authority. And the bottom line here is whether or not my church is practicing this sort of radical inclusiveness. In years past I'd say we did better than most, but now I'm not as sure. And here is my conundrum. Do I stay and try to push back against an attitude of exclusivity or do I wash my hands of it and look for a new congregation? I believe the people in my church are as they have always been, but some in leadership have shown a willingness to draw that line, to exclude those who are already marginalized, and that concerns me.

I'm not sure of the answer. On the one hand we have developed some wonderful relationships and community with our church family. I feel like we have some obligation to speak up and insist that we remain an open and loving denomination where every person is welcomed and included. I don't feel like the relationship has become toxic. Maybe that's my privilege as a straight, white woman talking. But maybe we have come to a place where the relationship has gone in different directions and we should just go our separate ways. I know there are many other churches and denominations where our views are widely held by everyone from leadership to laypeople. I don't know what authority or right we have to push back, but I know the thought of telling someone they aren't welcome to fully participate in the life of the church for whatever reason, makes me angry. In the battle between love and doctrine, I choose love. Doctrine is something we dreamed up, but love comes always from the infinite love of God, and choosing to act in love is never the wrong answer.

So if you're the praying type, pray for me and my family as we try to navigate this relationship and the changes in it.