Recently someone asked me what I would be giving up for Lent, and I replied that I did not know. I've been thinking about it, and while I don't feel that any one thing or activity is really weighing on me to give up, I have noticed an interesting internal trend that might be worth examining and working on during the season of Lent.
Before we begin, it is important to know about me that my standards for myself are absurdly high. My therapist (when I was going to therapy) has told me that, my family tells me that, my friends tell me that. I am convinced that nothing I do is good enough, even if I acknowledge that I do it adequately.
Two examples spring immediately to mind. Number one is writing. My whole entire life people have told me I am a good writer. I continue to believe that my writing is only adequate and any compliments are entirely based around being polite, but cannot possibly be sincere. I know I'm not "that good." I'm no famous novelist, not a brilliant poet, an award-winning journalist. I'm alright, but alright isn't good enough.
Number two is singing. I love to sing and have been singing in choirs since I was a small child. I have never had any training, taken any kind of music theory, or studied music in any serious way, but over the course of many years I've picked up a few things, and I'd say I'm alright. Even if someone tells me that I sing well, or that I have a lovely voice, I again will write it off as mere politeness because I know that I am no great singer. I'm alright, but alright isn't good enough.
I spend a lot of time weighing myself against people around me. That person exercises more, that person has way better fashion sense, that person is amazingly talented, that person is funnier, that person is a better writer. Everyone is better, and I'm not good enough.
It's a really self-defeating attitude, because you see, if you aren't good enough, then you don't really have to take yourself into scary, unknown places. Because you aren't good enough, someone better will do it. Someone better will step forward. Someone better, because you, clearly are not good enough so why bother trying? They don't need your gifts, or your presence, or your thoughts, because someone better has brought theirs.
And of course, when I do take my not good enough self out into the world to do all the life things, I have terrible and persistent anxiety that other people will notice how not good enough I am. That they will tell me to take me and my mess of a self somewhere else because I am not good enough and they don't need that.
Another thing to know about me is I am incredibly stubborn, and I refuse to let myself keep me from the things that bring me joy. Writing brings me joy. Singing brings me joy. Making people laugh brings me joy. Helping people brings me joy. Cooking brings me joy. So I show up to do those things anyway, but it would be nice to do them without listening to me tell me all the ways that they weren't perfect.
So when I think about giving something up for Lent, I mean, sure. I could give up caffeine, or I could give up social media, or fast food, or something like that. But if Lent is about giving up those things that really hold us back from relationship, that really separate us from God so that we can deepen and grow our spiritual life, then giving up those things is not going to help.
Because what I need is a hard mental reset. I need to give up the idea that everything about me is not good enough because I am who God created me to be and that is good enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment